Relationships: Why they don't work

 Ever wondered how some people seem to get it right in their relationships? They seem so lucky and everything appears to be working for them in the relationship. On a closer look or interaction with them you hear them say, it hasn't been all that roses and sunshine they have had to weather some storms together in the past. It's so intriguing how some people seem to navigate through the "storms" of relationships while some people get to be swept away by the same storm. Is there something these folks know and others know nothing about.

Relationships are no walk in the park and it interests me to see couples who have been together for years "balling" and at ease with each other. Often, some couple look so perfect that you find it hard to believe they ever had a falling out at any point in their journey. Every sane person want their relationship to work out well, at least at the start .But as time goes on, individual differences becomes irreconcilable and lovers begin to grow apart. It is so appalling that the same beautiful reasons that brought people together at the beginning could be the same reason that tore them apart. Lovers eventually become strangers and at its worst, enemies. I have heard a man say " I love her because she is industrious and ambitious" this was at the beginning of the romantic relationship which I usually call the " butterfly in my belly" stage but then few months down the line they started having serious misunderstandings and when I asked the man  what the problem was, he simply said "she is too ambitious". I was completely dumbfounded. Is it that people do not know what they want or they do not know the implication of what they want. Amazingly a female colleague who had always wanted a rich, handsome and cool man luckily got a man with all that "spec" and fell head over heels in love. Great! but when they started having disagreements it was simply because his female colleagues were always all over him.

So that this whole write up won't seem pointless, what I am trying to say is the fact that relationships will go through the good, bad and ugly times but there are some bad and "uglies" that will take away the good permanently. Let me use the storm and weather analogy, some relationships like I stated earlier will weather the storm while some relationships as hard as they may try will not survive the storm let alone experience the calm, rain and sunshine that comes afterwards. Some of the problems that crop up in a relationship can be avoided or dealt with.

REASONS RELATIONSHIPS DON'T WORK 

I believe there are over a million reasons why relationships  usually do not work out but let us take a look at some:

1. Unrealistic expectations: A lot of disappointment in relationships and life generally is caused by unrealistic expectations. Things cannot always go the way you expect it to go, people cannot always be exactly what you want them to be, you do not have control over everyone not even your partner. To expect that your partner will never wrong you is quite unrealistic, to expect that you won't have challenges such as money problems, disagreement, health problems and lots of unforeseen situations is very impractical. It is quite natural when you meet someone to think " I'm so in love with this person, I don't see us ever fighting". But the truth is even the strongest, healthiest and "perfect" relationships fight, it is purely natural. Instead of dwelling on the unrealistic expectation of having a conflict-free relationship, focus on effective communication, quality time in other to know one another well and solve future disagreements. 

2. Self centredness: Romantic relationships are suppose to revolve around love and selflessness. Considering how your actions affects your partner positively or negatively is what relationships are all about. A self centred person is concerned with his own desires, needs, pleasures and interest. Basically its like being in a relationship with yourself. Loving yourself is good and healthy but being solely concerned about yourself while in a relationship with someone else is disastrous. Everything shouldn't always be about you. If you are always demanding for attention while your partner is busy with work, taking a rest or studying then you are self centred. Ranting on and on about the things you need and lack without considering how your partner feels is quite egotistical. 

3. Lack of proper prioritization: So lets create this picture, you have been seeing this person and you both are head over heels in love with each other and you both seem perfect for each but then you always cancel on dinner or lunch dates because of work, church or book club meetings. You are always rescheduling and apologising, in your defence you say " oh he knows I am a very busy person" or you go like " she is going to get used to my schedule". If love doesn't change your life what will?

When you don't place your partner at the top of your list they feel neglected, unimportant, insignificant and unloved. There is always a way you can squeeze them into that crazy schedule. There is this man i know a top executive who has a reminder on his phone every day to remind him to call his wife during work day. No matter how busy he gets he calls his wife to check on her and ask how her day was going. If someone means so much to you, you will like to know if you mean just as much to them through their actions.

The moment your partner comes across someone else who prioritize them and gives them all the attention, they begin to gradually direct their attention towards that direction.

4. Laziness and Nonchalance: Relationships can be challenging, great relationships demand consistent hard work. Tough right? People want their relationships to do well, become the envy of people but they are not ready to put in the work. It requires sacrifices, huge commitment, loyalty and respect. Continuous self evaluation is one of the never emphasized ingredient of good relationships. The two people in a relationship are two different individuals with different personalities and character in order to get along, each of them must be willing to make some changes, compromises and adjustments in perspectives, characters and reactions to situations. 

5. Unmanaged Personality differences: As mentioned earlier, the different personality of the two people involved in a romantic relationship will always come to play. In fact, it is a huge determinant of how the lovey-dovey will play out at the long run. The difference can cause friction and it can be an advantage as well depending on how the two people involved decides to flip it. Now, having the different personality is not the issue but acknowledging it and managing the difference. It is possible for an introvert to be with an extrovert as long as they both accept the strengths and weaknesses of one another.